In the 21st century, Urban Dictionary stands as the most accurate, comprehensive lexicon of the english language. Merriam-Webster is so last century y'all. So of course, when I was trying to find a universal definition for the term, "f**kbuddy," I turned to Urban Dictionary, which offered this explanation: "someone you have casual sex with." I was hoping for a bit of a lengthier entry, one that addressed the uncomfortable gray area existing between boyfriend and hookup. So, I took it upon myself to enhance the definition. Below are my efforts to fully explain identifying a f**kbuddy.
1. Conversations with him happen between the hours of 11pm and 3am exclusively.
This Gif from Her Campus is totally accurate, with the exception of calling. The f**kbuddy always texts.
The f*ckbuddy must not check his phone during morning, afternoon, or early evening. Or, he does check it, but never responds to your texts. But as soon as the clock strikes 11, he texts with an alarming rapidity. Most of his messages contain a mere few words: Hey. or You up? or You tryna tonight? or I miss you. Sometimes, the text is nothing more than one of these emojis: 😉 , 😈 , 🍆 , 🍑 , 💦 . However the message reads, it always means the same thing: Wanna fool around?
2. His name is in your contact list as a string of emojis.
I am just picturing the guy who can be described with this peculiar emoji collection. (We spotted this image at: stats.seandolinar)
You might not even know his name (I'm not judging if you don't. Believe me; we've all been there). Even if you do know his name, saving it to your contact list just confirms he actually exists. It's much healthier to think of a f**kbuddy as an apparition of the night, appearing before you if, and only if, you desire bodily pleasures. He's the surprise wet dream you have years after finishing puberty.
3. The only "date" you go on with him is an at-home Netflix-and-Chill session
If the man asking looks like David Tennant, then yes, I do want to Netflix-and-chill. (We discovered this Gif on: GIPHY)
In this case, the emphasis is entirely on the "chill." Some tragic movie like Brokeback Mountain could be playing in the background; it doesn't matter. You press play and, before the first line of dialogue, you two are already doing the nasty. You wonder if he's actually ever watched an entire movie (he hasn't). But then you admonish yourself for even thinking about him in a non-sexual context.
4. The longest you two have ever cuddles is 4.75 minutes.
We saw this Gif on: GIPHY.
To be fair, is it really cuddling if you both accidentally fell asleep next to each other post sex? When you wake up and realize he hasn't left, you flip out. Like a vampire, he must be gone before the sun rises. Sometimes, I just chew a piece of garlic after hooking up and exhale every 6 seconds. After about 36 seconds, the f**ckbuddy is running out the door.
5. When asked, you deny his existence
Exactly! (We stumbled upon this Gif at: The Great Convergence Meme Thread!
After all, he's just a f**kbuddy.